trial period.

Friday, February 1, 2019

So the trial period for the 2019 is over, right? This was the day I pressed "I accept" without reading all of the terms and conditions for the new year. No matter how many times I wanted to press "decline" after this month, I didn't. January wasn't exactly my best time. Honestly, it was probably my worst. I have never felt so low, lost and empty in the past almost twenty five years. And it was exhausting to feel like that with so many things happening that were supposed to make me happy. Putting up that front of a fake smile and a pretty laugh, wore me out. B could tell you. I'm sure he's lost count how many times I broke down. This was supposed to be our time to start our lives together. Instead, the new year began and I almost ended it all.
But we made it. It's February first. It's a later night than usual to write, but here we are. And that's all that matters. Today, I woke up with the intention to be happy. I can't tell you how nice that feels after everything I've been going through with my mental and physical health. All I wanted to do was be happy but I honest to God, did not have it in me to do that. Today I did.
February is a short month, so I'm cheating a little bit, but I'm going to use these next twenty something days as a restart. Usually people take a full thirty, but I think that might be stretching it. I don't want to overdue it and overwork myself, but I am going to make more of a conscious decision to be happy again. Remembering how to love, how to accept love, talking to God and writing for you. These next few weeks will be a bunch of life lessons for myself. I hope you're all ready to see a small journey to self love (again) and hopefully I can join you on yours. All while doing this, I'm going be enjoying my coffee, tea or some other type of caffeinated beverage one sip at a time 

the monster.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

The one that others would see as a monster is a familiar face to her. As much as it is scary, the sharp smile is welcoming. He holds out his long arms and wraps the claws around her as she sinks into the dark silhouette. She closes her eyes and falls. He has many names. A lot of them, people would just say she made up. “It’s all in your head”. It’s in invisible tackle as not everyone can see him. Those are the happy people. The ones whose smiles are honest and bright. Of course there are moments where she is able to do that; smile without lying. The brief seconds where the monster is nowhere to be found. If she’s lucky, she’ll even get a few days with the sun before the shadows come back and swallow her. That’s the thing, though, it always come back.
These people don’t believe in him as they have never seen him. They can easily tell you to believe in their God, but it’s the same thing. This monster shows himself to her as their God speaks to them. People believe in many things without actual evidence of it ever being real. The difference with this monster, is that there is proof that he exists. The tears on her pillow that came from a heart that he had crushed. The marks on her arms from his claws when he holds on too tight. 
The sun is so close that she can feel the warmth, teasing her with what she can never have. She can feel his overbearing hands on her shoulders as she shakes, not letting her go, and the clouds slowing roll over her.
He empties the world around her. The depression fills the voids and she forgets how to smile. The skyline is almost pretty but in a way that you'd never want to stare too long. It makes you uneasy to see so much potential and loss all at once. 
The monster only yells when she tries to escape his grasp. He reminds her that she is and never will be enough, that the people she adores, hate every part of her, and that life would be so much simpler if she just made that final choice to not be there anymore. He screams at her for ever believing anything or anyone else besides him. How could she ever think that God could love her? She doesn’t deserve it. If God loved her so much, why is the monster still there? 
She doesn’t know how to express to her loved ones how she feels when he’s around. He takes her courage and makes her choke on her tongue. He steals comfort and replaces it with doubt.
The man she shares a bed with every night has no idea that the third is there, holding her, waiting to pull her under the bed.
Her partner wraps his arms around her, she buries her head into his chest and he whispers, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, baby.” The monster wraps his arms around her from behind and whispers closer to her ear, “It’s not going to be okay. It’s never going to be okay.”

small town life.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Today is my "last" day here, where I'm fulling moved in and sleeping in my own bed. I still have to navigate around the boxes that fill my small space and the bathroom only has my travel case from when I used to make the weekend trips to see B. It's a very bittersweet feeling thinking about how my home for the last year and a half was never really a home to me, but it was very much a journey. I've felt my worst, mentally, and I have also felt my best.
Over the past eighteen months, I have found my voice. That was always a bit nonexistent, and if you know me, you know that's no surprise. But I stood up for myself a lot more than I ever have; I didn't settle.
I also found God's voice. I can't put into words right now, about how this has changed my life. It's an overwhelming type of solitude. This will one day become an entirely separate blog post (and maybe even a video) on my testimony. Until then, I'm still trying to fit everything together.
Another thing I realized was that small towns may not be my cup of tea. It is nice to know your neighbor and recognize people when you go grocery shopping, but sometimes you're in Walmart in sweats and no bra and don't want your supervisor to see you with the two bottles of wine and a thing of Oreos. It's also difficult when the town has a specific type of lifestyle that you just don't fit into.
I've also gotten sick here. Allergic reactions have taken over my life. It's not fun to cut out everything you're used to and cross your fingers that you don't go into anaphylaxis that day. Moving closer to a clinic that will help me and get health insurance that they accept is the biggest reason this chapter is coming to a close.
The people I've met here are some of the greatest I will ever meet and some not so much, but I guess that's with anywhere you go, right?

With that, a new chapter is beginning and that's with B. We're still learning about each other every single day. It's not easy and it doesn't exactly help that we're moving so quickly in this relationship. Even with that, though, he's worth it all. I can say with a full heart that he's it. When you know, you know.

the heart howled.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

The wolf hid in the heart of the cave for more than two decades. She made very few appearances throughout the years, hardly whimpering, not more than a scratch or a paw at the dirt edge of the sunlight. Nobody knew that it was all just practice for the day she was ready to walk on the gravel with the others. She was weary among the other monsters that eye her. They were loud and intimidated her, but she squared her shoulders and kept her nose high. She shut her eyes and raised her head towards the sunlight. It warmed her lonely skin. She kept the voices at bay and only let the sound of the universe fill her heart. The sun showed every flaw and every setback that had her hiding inside that cave for so long. It wasn't going to scare her away anymore, none of it was. She began to feel the confidence rise with the moon. The only light coming through was from the sky. It lit up other parts of herself that she had never seen before. The moonlight brought a different view to those areas she found so cringing; they were now pleasing to see. Each spot and situation were a separate being. As she stood on the edge of the cliff, she realized that she was the leader of her own pack. Those all sat behind her, waiting for her next move. And she howled. She found her voice and it rang through the branches of the forest around her, off the mountain. The strength that buried itself in her chest, was let out with an ever growing need to be heard. She may still find each step in the sun a little harder to take, but it will become easier as each night passes. Because she was the wolf.

the cemetery.

Monday, November 12, 2018

The parking lot was taped off three quarters of the way, but there was nowhere else I could pull in. Driving around the corner, I managed to find an entrance and parked right in front of the entrance. I probably technically not allowed to do that, but there was nobody else around and it was a small town.
Walking into that place was different. The first thing I thought was "nobody really walks into these places without someone they wanted to see, right?" I could understand why people enjoy this place. The energy is loud and a tad terrifying, but it's peaceful at the same time.
I hadn't been here in, what, ten years? Every time my family had come in here, something always happened to our car. Breaking down, a pipe literally shooting out from the ground and slashing our tire. This place isn't even drivable at this point. Looks like a flood came in and made the driveway into a small canyon. Maybe that would explain why one man's grave was literally broken and shifted, looking like someone tried to rip through the cement. Others' had holes dug into the center of theirs and headstones were laying in the middle of some where they once were at the top of them. I apologized to each one as I passed them. I guess the fake flowers made a nice image, but that's all this place had going for them looks wise. They shouldn't be like this. If anything, the graves are the last things to make sure each one is sleeping well. This is their last home. But then again, this is a small town and I can't really believe that many families come out here to visit their lost ones very often.
And that's when I needed to apologize to you, the both of you. First of all, I don't think anyone talks to you enough, let alone visit. Second, I don't believe that we turned out to be the family you guys envisioned your lineage to become. But that happens, right? Nobody is ever who you imagine them to be, whether it's less or more than you expected. It was nice to talk to you two, though. I got to say things aloud that I haven't yet. I was able to share my true feelings about people and not be judged. Words just came out and I didn't realize I was saying some of it. I felt refreshed after talking to you. He had talked to me the entire time, asked me to say hello to you two for him and that I was being taken care of. As soon as I did, I burst into tears. That was the first time I could ever say that and mean it. He's something special. The breeze came by and I knew you guys were there, listening. Growing up, I would hear stories about your love for each other. It's something I always looked up to. I mean, you two married when you were young. Eighteen and twenty four. And stuck beside one another that whole time. I'm sure that not every moment was a dream come true, but you two always held each other's hands. My dad's eyes would light up when he told stories of you two. That's what I wanted. I believe that I have that love story now and hope that I have at least one great grandchild to remember that.
The oddest part that stuck with me, was that out of that entire cemetery, I walked right up to your graves. I didn't stop to look around, I just walked. 
Saying goodbye, but promising that I would come back was bittersweet.
I didn't know you two, but I miss you both.

little flower.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

It hurt too much to remember you, so I forgot it all.
I wasn't feeling well almost immediately. Throwing up, body aches, being dizzy all of the time. It all had to be stress. I had just moved in with him and quit my job. I had never moved out before and this didn't feel like home. He wasn't the same after I closed the door behind me. Quickly controlling everything about me. Where I went, who I talked to, what I wore. It was all overwhelming. But I had believed that this was what love was. He accepted me enough to let me move in and came home every night, so I was "in love". We were barely intimate after I had moved in. He was hardly home and never wanted to touch me. I also hadn't gotten my period since being taken off of the shot earlier that year; you can only be on the shot for so long. So these feelings of being sick were just all due to the changes. My mental health was on edge and my body was learning how to be itself again.
About mid-day in the beginning of July 2014, I found myself on the bathroom floor. The amount of pain I was in was unbearable. I managed to crawl myself up to the toilet and blood just poured out of me. Shaking and trying to compose myself, I thought "okay, this is my period." I knew it was going to happen. I just didn't remember how bad the cramps were, but I can get through it. I took a ton of tylenol, got a heating pad and laid down for the night. The next day was almost worse. He was at work and started ignoring my calls. I was "being stupid" and "exaggerating", he was too busy to deal with me. Now, I was only given permission to go to the mall down the street or his mom's house for dinner, but I needed to go to the hospital. I knew something was wrong. I was at the point where I was numb. The cramps, bleeding and honest to God fear of what he would to say to me when he found out I left, I just stopped feeling. What I didn't realize was that I was done feeling anything for the next few weeks. The nurse's eyes widened when I told her that I was bleeding through a tampon and a pad every hour. I remember her asking me every few minutes how I was feeling, and they brought the ultrasound in. The internal ultrasound confirmed all of it. These weren't cramps; they were contractions.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you if he was upset or mad that I had left. He just refused to speak to me and slept on the couch the next few nights. All he knew was that I had gone to the emergency room for my period and that's all he ever knew. I never told him that I had been pregnant. I never told anyone that I passed that baby all by myself at home. I never acknowledged that a part of me was gone. Even though I didn't physically express my feelings while this was happening, I was struggling so much internally. I was dying inside while your heartbeat faded.
How could I only want to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and God take that from me? Because I didn't deserve it, that's why. That's all I could think. I had a person in my life that was treating me the best I thought anyone ever would (spoiler alert, that wasn't true).
As soon as the bleeding had stopped, I refused to remember. I couldn't do it. My mental state was crumbling, so my first instinct was to repress the worst memory I will ever have. And that's what I did for the next four and a half years until my heart found it's other half.
Getting to know this new man in my life and being able to fully love someone and experience how someone is supposed to be treated, my subconscious opened and these memories came back. At first, I didn't know if I wanted to tell him. This was just so personal and I wasn't used to sharing anything with anyone. But knowing that he was the one, I knew it was something I had to tell him about. I just had to write it first. This was my escape and I wouldn't know how to tell him without breaking until I let myself do that in my own time. I can't tell you how to get over this feeling of grief, because I'm still mourning that baby and I will for the rest of my life. But I can tell you that there is a light at the end of that very narrow, dark, blinding tunnel. My light just so happened to be a random message on tinder who turned out to be my soulmate. He treats me with respect, listens when I'm still learning to share my thoughts and has the purest heart out of everyone I know. One day, we'll have our own little garden because I know that the two of us together can give enough love to make our flowers bloom.

I miss you every single day, even if I didn't consciously think about you. I've had these recurring dreams where I lose you all over again, and I can swear that they're real. I wake up holding my stomach and feeling empty.
I'm so sorry that I didn't have a healthy, loving life that I could bring yours into.
I'm so sorry that I wasn't enough to be your mother.
I'm so sorry that I failed you.
I'm so sorry, little flower.
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