a ring of a bell.

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Sunday, July 14, 2019
Would the room feel a little bit emptier if I had walked out? Would the conversations get quieter if I weren't there to speak? Would anyone even notice if I were gone?
The answer to all of these would be no.
If I were to speak up, people listen because they have to. Or they just speak over me, which isn't very hard since my voice is small. I've never had a big voice when it came to anything, besides writing. This is my time to yell. But in reality, I sound like a little girl whose words don't really mean a thing in the real world. There is no interaction between others and me unless I were to initiate it. And for a woman who has the worst social anxiety AND who doesn't feel like she's worth paying attention to, this is extremely difficult. I was raised that I am not allowed to speak unless I'm spoken to. I remember that very clearly, standing in between my parents at some social gathering, being told to be quiet and I shouldn't say anything unless someone were to talk to me first. It stuck. Now when I do talk, I still wait until it's "okay". I also have an inappropriate sense of humor and tend not to think before I speak. - That happens when you hardly say anything anyway, so when you do, you just kind of word vomit because this is the only time you'll ever do it.
The worst of this all is that I don't seem to be given the right to be upset about all of this. If I were to bring it all up, then it's just my fault that I don't try hard enough. Or that I'm the one who's stand off-ish.
So I got used to not talking to anyone, not going anywhere and not having many friends because I was the "flake" or the one who didn't "act" like I wanted to be there. That was life for me. I grew accustomed to it. Do you know that bell that goes off when you open the door to the store? That's the only thing someone would notice about me. Was that the door had opened. But was anyone in that store? Nobody to make eye contact with, say hi to, ring up. Just that little bell.
Then B came into my life. He gives me the most attention that I have ever had in my life. He reminds me that I am beautiful everyday, that I bring a light into each room, that he genuinely wants to hear what I have to say. This is all brand new and I still ask him, "are you sure" or I just shake my head when he goes about this. When, truthfully, it makes my heart flutter. I have never had someone watch me move. He wants to be with me, always, and is so interested in every little thing I do. I am terrified that one day he loses that interest. How do I keep him wanting me? I have never had anyone want to listen to what I say. Was what I said okay to say? Does he want to hear me whine about my anxiety? I beat the shit out of myself overthinking if it's okay to say anything at all to him, sometimes. But here he is, everyday, asking if I'm happy and holding my hand.

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