little flower.

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Sunday, July 14, 2019
It hurt too much to remember you, so I forgot it all
I wasn't feeling well almost immediately. Throwing up, body aches, being dizzy all of the time. It all had to be stress. I had just moved in with him and quit my job. I had never moved out before and this didn't feel like home. He wasn't the same after I closed the door behind me. Quickly controlling everything about me. Where I went, who I talked to, what I wore. It was all overwhelming. But I had believed that this was what love was. He accepted me enough to let me move in and came home every night, so I was "in love". We were barely intimate after I had moved in. He was hardly home and never wanted to touch me. I also hadn't gotten my period since being taken off of the shot earlier that year; you can only be on the shot for so long. So these feelings of being sick were just all due to the changes. My mental health was on edge and my body was learning how to be itself again.
About mid-day in the beginning of July 2014, I found myself on the bathroom floor. The amount of pain I was in was unbearable. I managed to crawl myself up to the toilet and blood just poured out of me. Shaking and trying to compose myself, I thought "okay, this is my period." I knew it was going to happen. I just didn't remember how bad the cramps were, but I can get through it. I took a ton of tylenol, got a heating pad and laid down for the night. The next day was almost worse. He was at work and started ignoring my calls. I was "being stupid" and "exaggerating", he was too busy to deal with me. Now, I was only given permission to go to the mall down the street or his mom's house for dinner, but I needed to go to the hospital. I knew something was wrong. I was at the point where I was numb. The cramps, bleeding and honest to God fear of what he would to say to me when he found out I left, I just stopped feeling. What I didn't realize was that I was done feeling anything for the next few weeks. The nurse's eyes widened when I told her that I was bleeding through a tampon and a pad every hour. I remember her asking me every few minutes how I was feeling, and they brought the ultrasound in. The internal ultrasound confirmed all of it. These weren't cramps; they were contractions.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you if he was upset or mad that I had left. He just refused to speak to me and slept on the couch the next few nights. All he knew was that I had gone to the emergency room for my period and that's all he ever knew. I never told him that I had been pregnant. I never told anyone that I passed that baby all by myself at home. I never acknowledged that a part of me was gone. Even though I didn't physically express my feelings while this was happening, I was struggling so much internally. I was dying inside while your heartbeat faded.
How could I only want to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and God take that from me? Because I didn't deserve it, that's why. That's all I could think. I had a person in my life that was treating me the best I thought anyone ever would (spoiler alert, that wasn't true).
As soon as the bleeding had stopped, I refused to remember. I couldn't do it. My mental state was crumbling, so my first instinct was to repress the worst memory I will ever have. And that's what I did for the next four and a half years until my heart found it's other half.
Getting to know this new man in my life and being able to fully love someone and experience how someone is supposed to be treated, my subconscious opened and these memories came back. At first, I didn't know if I wanted to tell him. This was just so personal and I wasn't used to sharing anything with anyone. But knowing that he was the one, I knew it was something I had to tell him about. I just had to write it first. This was my escape and I wouldn't know how to tell him without breaking until I let myself do that in my own time. I can't tell you how to get over this feeling of grief, because I'm still mourning that baby and I will for the rest of my life. But I can tell you that there is a light at the end of that very narrow, dark, blinding tunnel. My light just so happened to be a random message on tinder who turned out to be my soulmate. He treats me with respect, listens when I'm still learning to share my thoughts and has the purest heart out of everyone I know. One day, we'll have our own little garden because I know that the two of us together can give enough love to make our flowers bloom.
I miss you every single day, even if I didn't consciously think about you. I've had these recurring dreams where I lose you all over again, and I can swear that they're real. I wake up holding my stomach and feeling empty.
I'm so sorry that I didn't have a healthy, loving life that I could bring yours into.
I'm so sorry that I wasn't enough to be your mother.
I'm so sorry that I failed you.
I'm so sorry, little flower.
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