little update.

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Monday, December 02, 2019

Wow, it's been awhile. I don't even know how to begin this post, besides with an apology. I am sorry to you and to myself for neglecting the biggest part of me. I am so, so sorry.
Things have been a bit chaotic, to be honest with you.
My health has kind of taken control of most of my life. I am in pain every single day, I'm hardly sleeping this past week and my allergies have become a daily occurrence again. I just don't know what else to do. Taking it all day by day, I guess at this point.
I cannot explain how badly I've been wanting to write and connect with everyone again. I want to so much that it's almost cringe-worthy, you know? Like, I think about it and I grit my teeth and my fingers stretch out but nothing ever really happens. I've had quite a few ideas for my blog and to start a youtube channel, but I can't even get myself to hardly post on Instagram. Once I start thinking about that, it's just a downward spiral into how much I have disappointed I am in myself for losing everything that meant so much to me.
The only reason I'm back on here today is because I've realized that I haven't actually fully changed into a new person. I just haven't remembered how to be me, if that makes sense. As B and I are (very slowly) dating each other again - we haven't broken up, just learning how to find that spark again - and as we go out, I'm starting to feel my personality show through. I have missed it so much. I have been heart broken for so long now. It's tiring and I'm done with it all.
This post doesn't really have a guideline or big meaning behind it all, just the fact that I wanted to write again. - and see if I could actually write again.

Little updates:
  • I've dyed my hair black. Well, actually, B dyed my hair black. I tried to do the lighter brown for so long and I just can't. Dark hair makes me feel some type of way.
  • Arizona is cold.
  • Spoonie life is officially a thing for me and I'm learning how to live it.
  • Lofi music is a mood.
  • B and I are moving in with my parents this month! This will help us save for a house and the wedding before they actually move out in August.
Since it's December now, I wanted to make a little goals list for the next four weeks.
  • Stop ripping my nails off & picking my cuticles. I want to paint my nails again and it just does not look the same on bloody little stubs.
  • Go on a road trip. Maybe see the snow? I can't remember the last time B and I went somewhere and I need a weekend getaway soon.
  • Make some kind of content. Whether this is here on my blog or a video or just be more active on Instagram.
  • I want to start reading graphic novels. I have no idea where to start, though, so any recommendations would be so helpful!
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